I remember…

I remember when you stopped being there for me. Just like all those times when you were. I am not biased. I am not unfair. I am just. I remember your presence and absence alike. But you were there for me when I could have done without you. And you decided to stop, when I needed you the most. May be, you thought you’ve been for me enough. May be, you thought it was time for me to grow on my own, to have my thoughts reverberate in my chaotic mind instead of sharing them with you, to have my broken heart crushed further and mold it into something else, to take control of my life. All. On. My. Own.

Or may be, I am being too optimistic about you. May be, you were simply not there for me.

I remember crying into the night, as the pillow absorbed my loud screams. I remember going numb and staring into nothingness. On some days, that, would be the most peaceful moment.

I remember creating walls, strong enough to shut people out. I remember creating walls, weak enough for you to walk right back in.

I remember wanting to forget things, to forget you. I remember failing miserably. Over and over again. I remember learning to live with it. I remember hoping not to die with it. I remember so many things and nothing at all, all at once.

If only, you too remembered a little something.

If only, you remembered me.

On “Loss”…

It is not always about when you lose something. It’s about when you realize you’ve lost it. And are never going to get it back. It’s hard to tell whether each loss adds a burden to your existence or creates a void within you. May be, both. Who would have thought that voids could make you feel heavy? Ironical.

An Assortment of Stories

An assortment of stories – that is precisely what your life is at this very moment. At every other moment too, for that matter. Your present is nothing but terrible and not-so-terrible tiny tales woven intricately around time. But that’s not even half as fascinating as the following question. Years from now, when you look back in time, which of these stories will make an impact deep enough for you to remember it first (or before the others)? If you could answer that, you’d be living a right life. But if you could answer that, you wouldn’t be living life right. So, you try and answer and sometimes, you won’t fail. Not everything in life can be about perfection. Some things are better left existential. Like this blog post.

This One Word

It’s a different feeling leading to the same old pit. One more time. A feeling of comfort and peace. A feeling of safety. Of love. Of belonging. Of eternity. Eternity is a beautiful word. It’s funny how a word can be that deceptive! Painfully funny. It’s also amazing how this one word can ornament your thoughts, your feelings. It makes you believe that a feeling would last. Forever. Sometimes, you write it down. Or you talk about it. And then, later, when your feeling has eloped with time, you try to remind yourself what it feels to feel the way you felt.
Too late. Too deceptive. Too painful.

On ‘Irony’…

There are certain incidents in your life that compel you to stare at a blank page for hours before you write something as stupid and meaningless as this sentence. Incidents, that make you go back in time, think about how, you thought then, things would be in the future and laugh, and then bring you all the way back to the present to gape at how things actually turned out to be and laugh even more! Karma is overrated. Irony is the real bitch. And when irony laughs at you, join in.

On ‘Love’…

 

A lot of people seem to think that their love for someone causes them to be sad. In fact, they think, they are sad because they are in love with someone. But love doesn’t make you sad. Love is a happy feeling. It makes you nothing but happy. It makes you feel in a way you have only read about in novels. Even better, it introduces you to new feelings! Feelings, that wouldn’t have come to you had you not been in love. And those are all happy feelings.

To love someone, and just love someone, not desire, lust after, expect from or possess, just love, is truly magical. The other feelings could be enchanting too, but then there’s always a high, very high risk of heartbreak. But in love, you have nothing to lose. Instead, you gain – all the wonderful feelings, expression, happiness, content, energy, inspiration and if you’re really lucky, the love of that someone you love. If you carefully read the terms and conditions of love, which I can bet my life on, you don’t, you’ll find that love is a standalone feeling and it doesn’t makes it mandatory for you to have any other feeling coupled with it under any circumstances. Why? Because  love (and only love) relates to the soul. All other feelings relate to the body.

The world serves you theories on a plate even before you’re born. A vital part of growing up is at least garnishing them the way you want or better, making a new one for yourself. Like I just did.

 

PS. I hope I am back.

On ‘Being Vulnerable’…

I like when I make myself.

Always have.

Always will.

But I don’t like when other people make me.

Because, sooner or later they all leave.

All of them.

And I am stuck with myself.

I become the constant reminder of people who could have stayed but chose to leave instead. People I became vulnerable for. People I let myself change for. People I had gotten used to. People that never got used to me though.

And so, when they made me, they made sure that living with myself, after they leave, becomes unmanageable for me. To the point that if I am strong enough, I make myself again. And if I am not, which is usually the case, I allow myself to be made again.

Until one day, I leave myself, and no one has to make me again.