I remember…

I remember when you stopped being there for me. Just like all those times when you were. I am not biased. I am not unfair. I am just. I remember your presence and absence alike. But you were there for me when I could have done without you. And you decided to stop, when I needed you the most. May be, you thought you’ve been for me enough. May be, you thought it was time for me to grow on my own, to have my thoughts reverberate in my chaotic mind instead of sharing them with you, to have my broken heart crushed further and mold it into something else, to take control of my life. All. On. My. Own.

Or may be, I am being too optimistic about you. May be, you were simply not there for me.

I remember crying into the night, as the pillow absorbed my loud screams. I remember going numb and staring into nothingness. On some days, that, would be the most peaceful moment.

I remember creating walls, strong enough to shut people out. I remember creating walls, weak enough for you to walk right back in.

I remember wanting to forget things, to forget you. I remember failing miserably. Over and over again. I remember learning to live with it. I remember hoping not to die with it. I remember so many things and nothing at all, all at once.

If only, you too remembered a little something.

If only, you remembered me.

Before Sunrise

 

 

Do you look at me

Like I gaze at you?

Sending your way, for hours

An invisible ray of tangled thoughts –

Fading silhouettes of eternal scars

Frozen tears clung to happy reminiscence

Dreams muddled with fears

And yet a fluttering hope

Crowning every disappointment

Travel for miles, Oh Moon!

Lone amongst a million stars

Do you feel the way I do?

Sending my way, for hours,

Your luminous rays, mystic and cold,

(And colder, your substance)

Glorious messengers of your odious seclusion,

Seek companionship in trivial mortals,

Fail and hide in shame, every night

Behind sinister mists and eerie clouds

Continually, before sunrise

And return unsatiated every morn.

 

 

The Orange Grass.

In a vast stretch of resonating green,

Every root tickled into fits of laughter

And tips swayed in perpetual cadency.

A little too passion a little too heat

Of the two, one swept off its feet

Like a rock crumbling into sand.

The heart charmed by munificence

Begged and yet bereft of repletion,

That every crumb yearned.

The incessant craving, relentlessly spurned.

A mediocre zephyr churns a part

At times, a hasty gust carries it away

Still more is bred in what’s left.

In the vast stretch of green

Now lies a patch of orange grass

In a fear of extermination

Harboring a flickering hope

And waiting for the green,

To someday, turn akin.

A Second Chance…

“While one memory is made, another fades.”

 

 

I finally saw him coming towards me. I had waited for him many a time before. But this time, he made me wait for too long. It was hard. Harder than I had imagined. But seeing him after all, seems worth it. He was wearing a new t-shirt. Blue in color. I was waiting for him to come a little closer so that I could figure out its brand. This time, on my own. We have not talked in the past 8 months. So many things have changed, including his wardrobe. I remember how he used to call me up and tell me everything about his day. Especially, when he went to shop (he usually shopped alone) or had a nice meal, he would call. Just to tease me and make me jealous. He would tell every detail of his new collection; the brand, the color, the price, how he found it, everything, every night. Airtel to Airtel night minutes. I use Vodafone now. He got closer. It was a Nike t-shirt. Blue, I believed, always looked good on him. I wondered if he noticed the kohl in my eyes yet. He had never seen me wearing kohl. I started wearing it months after we became strangers again. Or at least, pretended. He was getting closer. I wondered if I should greet him with a smile, a hug, a handshake or just remain cold, like he had been. I don’t remember what I did, how I greeted him, or didn’t hail at all. All I remember is, not remembering anything else on finding him standing in front of me. The air was cold. Due to the air condition, I assumed. I had thought about him all this while, and now he was here. He had lost weight. Of course, he had reasons to travel so many miles, every week. Or every day. Who knew? Even thinking about made my heart ache. I wondered what he was thinking. I tried to read his mind. He just stared at me. Blankly. Or so I guessed. May be, he had millions of thoughts running in his mind. May be, he noticed my kohl and liked it, or didn’t. May be, he’s wondering if he should compliment me, like he always did. Or just keep a glimpse of those eyes in his mind for the rest of his life, like so many other moments.

My kohled eyes blinked and the next moment, he and I were sitting on the platform of the metro station. Not too far from each other. Or so I believed. Or at least, wanted to. We stayed quiet. May be, our minds weren’t done thinking yet. I noticed his feet. Puma replaced Nike. Memories ran in. I remember how we sat for hours in a Café, talking to each other, while our feet would be locked together under the table. Sometimes, we would walk hand-in-hand, my little hand would perfectly fit in his plump one. I turned my gaze away, to one of the sides, where I couldn’t see him. I saw Kareena smiling at me, instead. Memories again. I sighed, thinking of the many movies we saw together. If only we could make it to the one we both promised to see together. I sighed again. I sighed often these days. Too many sighs means too many regrets. Or may be, too much regret for just one mistake. I mustered all my strength and turned to my right, to look at him.

“I wanna say something.” I finally said. I noticed his specs had changed too. He wasn’t wearing Zeiss anymore, so he can be wrong now, I cracked the joke in my mind. But I had no strength to chuckle. Not even in my imagination. Every part of me knew how wrong he was. May be, every part of me was wrong. But that hardly mattered now.

He was still facing down. I wondered if it was guilt. I wished it was.

“I never really knew what I wanted. And I assumed I knew what I didn’t want. But it seems, I was never really aware of my own self. I always admired you for not judging me. If only I knew, all this while, when you were silently listening to every word I said, you were doing nothing but judging me. And you used your judgement and you gave your verdict. The verdict to part your way from mine. You decided to move on without me. You were brave enough to make that decision. Or may be, too weak to hold on to us. You know it better.”

He was absolutely silent. I expected him to answer back. I expected him to justify. He just kept staring at his goddamn shoes. Nike was better, I thought. My opinion didn’t matter anymore.

“I wanted everyone to be mine. I never wanted anyone to own me. And with that thought deeply instilled  in my mind, I made everyone want me. At some point, you wanted me too. And I took it for granted. Until you began to know me. So well, that you didn’t want me anymore and I wanted to be yours. Now, I have everyone I wanted. And I am nobody’s. But a part of me is. A part of me has always been. Yours. It’s too late. I know. But I’m hoping it isn’t. And you could still come back to me…”

He finally turned his gaze towards me and looked straight into my hopeful eyes. With just a word, my entire world could change or shatter into a million pieces, all over again. I was afraid to imagine either. Interrupting the chain of my thoughts, a metro suddenly entered the platform with a strong blinding flash of light and stormed out with an immense speed. I shut my eyes in reflex. When I opened them, I was all alone on the platform. He was gone. A sharp sound almost deafened me in my sleep. It was my alarm. A typical end to an atypical dream, I thought. I dismissed it and tried to go back to sleep again, hoping to run into him on the platform and learn his answer. I had not asked him a question. But I was still hoping for an answer. An answer, I never really got…