I remember…

I remember when you stopped being there for me. Just like all those times when you were. I am not biased. I am not unfair. I am just. I remember your presence and absence alike. But you were there for me when I could have done without you. And you decided to stop, when I needed you the most. May be, you thought you’ve been for me enough. May be, you thought it was time for me to grow on my own, to have my thoughts reverberate in my chaotic mind instead of sharing them with you, to have my broken heart crushed further and mold it into something else, to take control of my life. All. On. My. Own.

Or may be, I am being too optimistic about you. May be, you were simply not there for me.

I remember crying into the night, as the pillow absorbed my loud screams. I remember going numb and staring into nothingness. On some days, that, would be the most peaceful moment.

I remember creating walls, strong enough to shut people out. I remember creating walls, weak enough for you to walk right back in.

I remember wanting to forget things, to forget you. I remember failing miserably. Over and over again. I remember learning to live with it. I remember hoping not to die with it. I remember so many things and nothing at all, all at once.

If only, you too remembered a little something.

If only, you remembered me.

An Assortment of Stories

An assortment of stories – that is precisely what your life is at this very moment. At every other moment too, for that matter. Your present is nothing but terrible and not-so-terrible tiny tales woven intricately around time. But that’s not even half as fascinating as the following question. Years from now, when you look back in time, which of these stories will make an impact deep enough for you to remember it first (or before the others)? If you could answer that, you’d be living a right life. But if you could answer that, you wouldn’t be living life right. So, you try and answer and sometimes, you won’t fail. Not everything in life can be about perfection. Some things are better left existential. Like this blog post.

Love thyself!

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You know how you love someone so much that you always think of him/her before you think about yourself? Yeah, that’s how much I love myself. Now, to the world that runs after love, I may sound like a selfish obnoxious narcissist. But to my very own self, I come across as a person who’s madly in love, like any other super human being such as Jack Dawson or Noah Calhoun . Only, I am in love with the person that resides within me. I understand myself. I support myself. I care about myself. I worry about myself. I keep myself happy. I encourage and motivate myself to be a better person. Once in a while, I pamper myself. I get angry with myself when I do something wrong. I cry with myself. I console myself. I protect myself. Loathe myself. Love myself. I feel all those things for myself that others want to feel for someone for the rest of their lives. Many people die without ever feeling that way about someone. I, on the other hand, have realized that I have spent twenty one years of my life living with that feeling. Does that make me incapable of loving someone else? I don’t think so. Does that make me incapable of loving someone else the way I love myself? Oh dear God, I hope not!

This One Word

It’s a different feeling leading to the same old pit. One more time. A feeling of comfort and peace. A feeling of safety. Of love. Of belonging. Of eternity. Eternity is a beautiful word. It’s funny how a word can be that deceptive! Painfully funny. It’s also amazing how this one word can ornament your thoughts, your feelings. It makes you believe that a feeling would last. Forever. Sometimes, you write it down. Or you talk about it. And then, later, when your feeling has eloped with time, you try to remind yourself what it feels to feel the way you felt.
Too late. Too deceptive. Too painful.

Casual Disconnect

Have you ever seen a leaking tap? I am sure you have. You don’t seem like someone who would give a damn about water shortage or water wastage. So, what I meant was, have you really gazed at a leaking tap, for long? By ‘long’ I mean about fifteen seconds. I hope you’re not lost enough to stare at it beyond that. And if you have, what was stopping you to actually get up and fix it? Whatever! So, the leaking tap; drops of water oozing out of it. Imagine a rusted tap, going through the emotional trauma each time a drop of water separates from its rim and ultimately becomes a victim of gravity. And before the poor old tap could get used to it, another drop sets out to set itself free. And then, it all contains, the pain, the trauma, the disbelief, the realization, denial, every emotion, in that moment – The moment of disconnection between one drop and another. If you look closely, you’ll discover that the theme of this post is as disconnected as that leaking tap. And the flow of my thoughts, worse.

 

 

Unsent Letter #1

 

My Dear Prince Charming,

I don’t know who you are and where you are. But I do care who you are and where you’re from, even if you love me. Yes, I am like that. I am one of those people, people call ‘narcissists’. Yes, I love myself. I put my happiness before everyone else’s. But I put my life after my family’s and some very close friends’. I value happiness more than I value life. Reason? I don’t know. I just do. That’s a brutal truth. I have disappointed many loved ones in my life. Most importantly, I have disappointed that one person I love the most on this earth – myself. I have failed to make myself happy. And because I have failed at this, I should tell you, I am not sure if I can make anyone else happy either. And that includes you, assuming you exist. And as much as I hope you do exist, I don’t want you to reach me in any possible way, ever. Why? Read this whole paragraph again, you ass! So if you ever see me hogging gol-gappas on a random street or sipping a cappuccino alone in a CCD or may be simply walking past you with my headphones on, please, avoid me. For your own good. As of now, I am a piece of crap; a total mess. And if someday, I do manage to pull myself together, I will come looking for you. And if by then, you find a new Princess Charming, I would come back to this blog post, click on ‘Edit’ and write ‘The End’ at the end of this note.

 

A Sad Poem

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My heart aches tonight

In the saddest of ways

It bleeds the saddest of words

That tell the saddest of tales.

Often in such saddest of nights,

When my mind is demented

With the saddest of thoughts

My heart breaks into uncountable pieces.

And then you smile and so do I

And the pieces rejoin

 But cracks remain.

And then you leave

And so does my smile

And so my broken heart breaks yet again

Twice the uncountable pieces this time

And this goes on for a while

Until the sadness of the saddest of nights

Transcends into numbness

And leave me benumbed

In my sad little world.